READING OF THE WEEK
Khaliqur Rahman
RAPE?! Don’t panic but hang on. It’s an acronym for Retire Aged People Early! The economy has slowed down and because of financial compulsions the government has a scheme of giving retirement to people 50 and above.
If you’re thus RAPED, you can apply for another government scheme SHAFT, short for Special Help After Forced Termination.
If you’re RAPED and SHAFTED, you can be reviewed for yet another government scheme SCREW, Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers.
Then, Khushwant Singh, the grand old man, in his famous Sunday Column, says, you can be raped once, shafted twice and screwed as many times as the government or you’d find it desirable.
Then, you can get AIDES or HERPES only after you’ve been raped. Please hold on to good sense and your composure. AIDES is Additional Income for Dependents and Spouse and HERPES, Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance. It should go without saying that persons who’ve got aides or herpes will not, perhaps cannot, be shafted or screwed anymore any further!
If you’re not raped and still working, you can get a lot of SHIT, says the grand old man. But what is SHIT? Well, it is Special High Intensity Training.
He says the government always takes pride, in fact, a lot of it, in giving out SHIT in any amount. He doesn’t stop there. He says if you have not received enough of shit as yet, you should go to the local MP because they’ve been specially trained to give all the shit you can possibly handle. So, go and get it with both hands!
Then to finish, he signs off with one difference that is there between India and Pakistan: while here, the government decides the age of the General, there, it is the General who determines the age of the government. Sixer!
But coming to his first topic last, I must say how well I agree with him when he writes about the now terribly devalued and politicized but still coveted Bharat Ratna and Padma Shri awards. He says he makes his own list in which he never puts the names of those who have been found pressing for the inclusion of their names through self-promoting, canvassing and lobbying stints. He says nine out of ten men and women do this. England strictly follows this. He cites the example of his friend Jack Lyons who was knighted but whose knighthood was withdrawn later because he was found to be involved in shady deals.
He suggests setting up a self imposed sort of convention whereby a recipient of an award will not use the title as a part of the recipient’s name. If I could, I would give the grand old man a hundred gun salute! I hate people fixing these appendages like Padma Shri, Padma Vibhushan, Dr or even Mr/Mrs to their own names. It’s not a part of your name! It’s an honour or an indicator of your degree or profession. If so-and-so is a physician or a surgeon or a PhD, then Dr does not become a part of his or her name. I also hate adding Professor to one’s name. If you say Prof So-and-So, then why shouldn’t you be saying Chowkidar So-and So or Bawarchi So-and-So? A chowkidar or a bawarchi never makes his profession a part of his name. In this part of the world most professors and doctors do it in an attempt to self-glorify themselves. It is cheap and sometimes vulgar.
Mark Tully is both a Knight and a Padma Bhushan. He calls himself and prefers to be called Mark Tully!
